Years ago, when I first read about boundaries, I had a hard time understanding the concept; I just couldn’t seem to get it to work for me. I couldn’t stop people from doing the things I didn’t like and get them to do the things I did like. It wasn’t until it clicked in my head, and I realised it was nothing to do with other people and it was all to do with me, that I started to understand. In this article, I’m going to answer a few questions that lay the groundwork for developing personal boundaries.
Q1. What is a personal boundary?
There are a lot of definitions for boundaries. You can call them a limit, a safety net, rules about your own behaviour, guidelines for your responses, a framework for your interpersonal relationships, an outward reflection of your values, your level of comfort, the ability to say no, or the difference between you and someone else. The definition I feel most comfortable with is ‘the things which you’re okay with and the things you’re not okay with’. Boundaries are important for your relationship with yourself and others because they allow you to understand your needs and communicate them clearly so there’s no mind-reading or guesswork from other people. An example of a boundary, and it’s one I developed personally, is ‘I will not continue conversations with people who are yelling at me.’ It’s a simple boundary, but one that has been important for me to implement.
Q2. What are the different types of boundaries?
Boundaries can be easier to understand when they are divided into categories.
· Physical boundaries including sexual boundaries are there to protect our bodies and our physical space.
· Verbal boundaries are to protect ourselves in conversations. My boundary about not being yelled at is a verbal boundary.
· Property boundaries also include money. These are to protect the use and the misuse of what we have ownership of.
· Time boundaries protect the use and misuse of our time.
· Emotional boundaries protect our emotional well-being.
· intellectual boundaries protect our beliefs and our values.
· Technological boundaries protect us as we interact with technology.
Q3. how do I work out what my boundaries are?
The way I like to do it is to think about an experience I’ve had or I’m going through in my life right now where I feel uncomfortable. My first step is to write down behaviour that’s happening that is not okay by me. I’m going to use my son as an example because teaching boundaries to my kids is something I find important. Eli is seven and his boundary is around hugging; he’s not a big fan of hugging people. What he feels is not okay is being expected to automatically hug people. People put out their arms and they expect he’s going to run into them and give him a hug. He’s not that kind of person and he’s not comfortable with it. The next stage is flipping it; you know what you’re not okay with, then you’re going to look at what you are okay with. Eli is okay with hugging people who ask him, and he consents to.
Lastly, we look at the need we’re trying to fulfill. For Eli, he’s trying to fulfill the need for his personal safety. He doesn’t feel safe hugging people. Therefore, it’s an important boundary for him. His boundary would be, ‘I don’t hug people unless they’ve asked first and I’m feeling okay about it’. It’s important to write down the boundary based on your response and your behaviour. In this example, he’s not going to hug people, that is the behaviour and response to the situation.
Q4. How do I implement boundaries?
There are two ways you can implement your boundaries. You can be proactive, or you can be reactive, there’s no right or wrong, it’s a matter of being aware of what you believe is the best strategy. When you’re proactive with your boundaries, it means you’re working them out first and then telling people what they are before they cross them. An example of a proactive boundary would be ‘to let you know upfront, I don’t have sex without the use of a condom’. This is something you would say to someone before the line is crossed. A reactive boundary is letting someone know about it once it’s been crossed. An example would be ‘I can’t continue this conversation if you’re yelling at me’. This is a boundary communicated after the limit has been reached. When you’re setting a boundary, you have options with your actions. You can choose the ways in which you are going to implement your boundary. You can make a request someone does or doesn’t do something, but also understand they have the right to say no, and if they do say no you can change your own behaviour. For example, with the hugging boundary when Eli isn’t comfortable hugging, I’m teaching him that he has the option of giving a handshake instead if that feels better to him. That’s a different option he has, but the boundary remains the same. He also has the choice to say to me, Mum, I’m not comfortable, I don’t want to hug. Being a parent, I’ll be there to help him reinforce his boundaries.
Q5. How can I set boundaries when I’m a people-pleaser and I’m scared to offend people?
A myth I want to smash is about it not being kind to have and implement boundaries. It is kinder to tell someone you’re not okay with something than to pretend you are. Often, they will get the vibe from you that something’s not right; they’re not sure if they’ve done something wrong, and it causes them to start to feel defensive. It is much kinder to have clear communication from the beginning. Once you’ve established your boundaries, you have different options on how you can put them into place. Something important to remember is personal boundaries don’t have to be communicated for them to exist. We all have our limits and our lines of comfort and they’re there whether you tell people about them or not. You might have people you choose to share your boundaries with and sharing those boundaries might make them more likely to be respected. I empathise with the difficulty because it’s something I’ve experienced as well. I’ve been a person who has felt it’s not kind to say no, and I’ve only learned through experience it’s a lot less kind to leave people guessing.
A people-pleaser is someone other people consider to be helpful and kind. The problem with being a people-pleaser is you often put other people’s needs before your own. People-pleasing is a learned behaviour, which means you need to unlearn it. Often, we are brought up to think we’re being kind when we do what people tell us to do, go along with everything and everyone, and not ruffle any feathers. Being able to say no and having a plan for how you’re going to do that is important because even when you’re implementing a reactive boundary you can temper down the adrenaline rush. I know for myself when I’m in a situation where I’m not happy and I need to tell somebody about it and I’m not prepared, it can come across in my tone of voice. When my boundaries are prepared ahead of time, I can explain them quite calmly to people and I find it makes a difference. The main reason having boundaries and putting them into place when you’re a people pleaser is so hard is because you haven’t had any role models and you haven’t had any practise.
My advice is to start with the safe people in your life; the people you trust and the people who respect you. You can say to them ‘I’m practising implementing my boundaries. I’m going to practice one with you so you can give me some feedback’. It’s much easier to start this way and get some confidence from the ground up rather than starting with the big, tough situations.
Q6. What happens if we find our boundaries fluctuate? What if I have a boundary around hugging people, but there are some people in my life that I’m always ok to hug?
It is natural that your boundaries will fluctuate, they are not meant to be rigid. As you become more comfortable with yourself and others you might find that your boundaries expand. What’s important is that you are consistent with the people in your life. Your boundaries might not apply to everyone.
My son is okay hugging me and okay hugging his dad. We have ongoing consent to hug him, and he knows if he doesn’t want a hug, he can say so. There are some people he doesn’t want to hug ever, and that’s where the boundary comes in. You might have people who communicate or behave in a way that triggers you, either because you’ve got a bit of a history with them, or you’ve got a bit of a history with the topic. Let’s say you have a friend who drinks a lot of alcohol and they’re loud and they’re obnoxious and they’re annoying. You don’t want to spend too much time with them while they’re drinking and you explain to them, ‘I don’t enjoy spending time with you when you’re drinking because I find that I’m uncomfortable when you get loud. I’m happy to hang out, but if you’re going to be drinking, I’d rather wait until you’re not to spend time together’. You might have other friends who aren’t such a problem when drinking so the boundary isn’t required. If you’re consistent with the friend you talked about the boundary with, that’s important.
I hope this information has been valuable to you in creating and implementing your boundaries. I have a free resource to further guide you, called Boundaries for Beginners workbook. I’m also happy to answer any other questions you might have about boundaries, and I’ve developed a form where you can ask these anonymously. Over the next few weeks, I’ll be filming some short videos for YouTube, and I’ll be answering these questions.
