People who choose to be courageous in their lives are more self-aware, authentic, and have better self-esteem than those who simply go with the flow.
In this blog post, I’m going to be answering some common questions about the importance of facing fear and having courage in your life.
Q1. What is courage?
Nelson Mandela once said that “Courage is not the absence of fear, but triumph over it”. Courage and fear have long been linked in literature since ancient Greece, Rome, and Medieval times. We are now living in a world where it’s unlikely we will be burned at the stake for courageously living our truth, however, we still fear the opinions of others and the consequences of our actions.
Courage is an internal quality that is linked to acting in line with your core values. When I think about values, I think of the movie The Castle, a classic Australian film about the everyday man and his family who fight against big business and bureaucracy. It’s a perfect example of someone living by their values in the face of mounting pressure.
Courage is also influenced by the culture and the environment you’re in. If you’re surrounded by people who are confident and bold then you’re more likely to feel safe acting with courage. If you’re surrounded by people who are fairly stagnant in their lives and don’t reach out and do anything new then the opposite applies, you will be influenced by that mindset. It’s an interesting exercise stop and think about the five people with whom you spend the most time; are they people who are embracing new things or are they people who are holding firm to the things they believe in? This is not to say you need to end any relationships if you find those people don’t have a courageous mindset, but you could introduce some new people into your life as positive role models.
Courage is also linked to authenticity; letting go of other people’s image of us is courageous and challenging because we often struggle looking at ourselves through other people’s eyes. Being open about our values, our priorities, and showing people our inner world. Research shows people are considered to be authentic if they show the following traits:
● Considerable self-knowledge and self-awareness
● Motivated for further self-development
● Interested in understanding their strengths and weaknesses
● Willingness to honestly reflect on feedback, whether it’s positive or
critical
● Behave in line with their values and beliefs
Another aspect of courage that is important to consider is that it’s not always a reaction to an external stimulus. We have internal conflicts within our minds; the metaphor of an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, and it’s the courage to act within our values despite those competing forces.
Q2. Why is it important to show courage in your life?
Without courage, we won’t take any risks to improve or have new experiences. This reminds me of both of the times in my life when I decided to go to university. I haven’t had the ‘normal’ timeline in terms of education and work. I didn’t finish school and get high grades and go to university and finish my degree and get a corporate job, that’s not how it worked for me. I was someone who had no idea what I wanted to do with myself and wasn't particularly good at applying myself to anything. I did eventually get into university after doing some vocational education and decided I wasn’t enjoying it, there were other things going on in my life that appeared to be a higher priority. It wasn’t until I was in my early-to-mid twenties I prioritized my education and I studied part-time for over seven years. I decided to study again late last year in a completely different field.
Without courage, there’s no path to new friends, careers, or new experiences. Think about the times in your life when there has been a new experience — chances are it took you some courage to get there. When you make new friends you have to reach out a little bit out of your comfort zone. This is the same with romantic partners, when you’re changing jobs, or trying something new. You need a degree of courage, and from courage comes confidence. The more you do something the better you get at it, so having the courage to take the first step is crucial.
Q3. How do I build courage?
There are several learning blocks involved in building courage. The first one is self-awareness. Courage is linked to self-awareness because we need to be aware of what we don’t want and what we do want in our lives. If you don’t have the self-awareness to understand what you like or what you believe in then you won’t have the clarity to stand up for those things when it’s essential. Again, this is linked to having a strong awareness of your values. It’s also a shift away from your attention being external, thinking about what other people think of me and what am I trying to achieve in the outside world, and bringing it back to being internal and your authenticity as a person. Having a deep and true understanding of yourself will connect you to your authentic self. Understanding your strengths, your limitations, your natural tendencies, and your social conditioning is important knowledge to have. The more you understand about yourself the more you realize what’s important to you.
Courage is also a skill; it’s something you have to work on and practice. Practicing courage might sound forced and many people are unable to see how small acts of courage paved the way for the big things. There are a lot of ways to practice courage and taking small steps before you tackle those big ones will increase your confidence. Some small acts you can do to build courage include:
- Asking for help
- Doing something you know you’re not good at
- Reaching out to contact an old friend
- Smiling at a stranger
- Acknowledging when you are wrong.
Another important building block in courage is having self-care and compassion. Once you’ve shone this bright light of self-awareness on yourself it can be a bit uncomfortable looking at the mistakes you’ve made or the things you don’t think you’re good at. It can be a bit deflating unless you practice some self-care and self-compassion. An example that comes to mind is someone who becomes aware they act defensively when criticised, even with constructive feedback. Where the self-compassion comes into play is sitting with this knowledge and journaling about these feelings. Often, remembering the first time you felt this way and having an internal conversation in a kind, calm, and soothing manner to let yourself know it’s an area you want to work on and it’s going to take some time; treating yourself like you would a dear friend.
All of these building blocks will eventually lead to having high self-worth. The more we value ourselves and our uniqueness the more likely we will have the courage to stand up for our values.
Q4. How do I find the motivation to be courageous?
There are two different ways of being motivated to have courage. The first one is an internal motivation; this is a drive that comes from within us to be resilient and self-reliant, to have strength, determination, perseverance, a positive mindset, and self-love. It comes from your heart outwards. A great example of this is a friend of mine, who, during lockdown realized he was drinking a lot more than he wanted to. He was trying to pass the time and numb some of the emotions and thoughts he was having. The drive to stop drinking came from within him and he had a lot of people around him who actually encouraged him to keep drinking because he was more fun and extroverted. He also acknowledged he was more pliable when he was drinking so it was easy for those people to get what they wanted from him, and for him to put his needs last. To stop drinking came from his own strength, and his own determination.
On the other side of the coin is external motivation and this comes from the people around us, and takes the form of accountability, responsibility, loyalty, obligation, and leadership. I interviewed a very special person last year who has held many dangerous jobs in her lifetime. She’s been a bodyguard, she’s been in the army, she’s been a police officer, and she’s had so many incredible experiences. It was fascinating to explore with her where the courage comes from to protect and serve others.
Q5. Why is admitting your fears so hard? Why is it so hard to say you’re scared?
When we discuss courage we also have to talk about fear. According to Psychologist S. J. Rachman, fear has three components:
1. A feeling of apprehension
2. A psychological reaction (thoughts, feelings, heart rate)
3. Action taken (fight, flight, or freeze).
In other words, if you are in a situation where you are feeling discomfort in your thoughts and body, chances are you have the opportunity to show courage. It’s all down to how (or if) you chose to act.
An example that comes to my mind is when I first started doing videos for my coaching. I would turn the video on and I would promptly forget how to speak. My words would run into each other and I was doing about 50 takes for a five-minute video. It was a nightmare! I had feelings of apprehension; I wanted to make it good and for people to get something out of it. I had the psychological reactions of a crazy heart rate and a dead brain and this would get in the way of me actually being able to speak properly. It’s the reason I started doing live stream coaching so I could use a bit of exposure therapy to get over the physiological reaction. My heart still pumps hard when I’m live, but now I enjoy it!
Fear is a chain reaction in your brain. It starts with a stressful stimulus and creates the feeling of stress which is all of those physiological reactions going on in your body and mind. That’s your fight or flight response. Interestingly, the stimuli can be physical, or it can be emotional, and it can also be fear of anticipation. Fear or something which hasn’t actually happened yet can cause a chain reaction and response. The actual thought of what could happen is enough to create the chain reaction.
Although our fears are unique to our circumstances they do fall into particular categories. These are:
- criticism
- failure
- rejection
- disappointing other people
- success
- facing inner demons
- change
- loss of control
- inadequacy
- missing out
- tragedy
- loneliness
- regret
- physical pain
- and abandonment.
Even though our circumstances might be different we will find we have fears which fall into the same category. Being able to stand in moments of fear is to be courageous.
Q6. What is the difference between courage and confidence?
Confidence is feeling sure, it’s feeling competent, it’s having good self-value or worth, it’s a belief in yourself, and trust in yourself. Confidence is a state of mind. If you only spend time with your mind, with confidence, then courage can’t actually grow because you’re not taking action.
Courage is the action or conscious inaction. Courage is feeling scared and taking action, it’s bravery, it’s strength, it’s perseverance, it’s controlling fear. You have to be willing to be courageous without confidence first. The confidence will come later but you need to take the steps first to get there
Courage and confidence are interlocked. When you are in a courageous space you’ll feel sure your action is on the right path and you’ll believe in what you’re doing. Confidence will inspire you to be courageous. When you surround yourself with people who are bold, and who are unafraid, and living their authentic lives the more you’re going to have the confidence to try it out for yourself.
Q7. Can courage be refusing to do something? Most examples I hear of courage or overcoming fear is about doing something. Can it apply the other way?
Having the courage to stand your ground and be firm can take as much bravery as reaching out to do something differently. The difference is when you stand your ground, it’s important to be doing it with a high level of understanding of the issues at hand, rather than staying with an ignorant position in the face of new information. Someone sticking with an opinion because they’ve been brought up that way and have always done things that way doesn’t take courage; that person is not looking at life with an open mind. The best example I can think of is all of the people in the lgbt+ community who have stood their ground with the courage to make changes in law and societal culture. There’s still a long way to go but these people have stood their ground and they’ve firmly lived their values of being authentic. They have faced a lot of discrimination, they’ve faced a lot of violence, and disruption to their personal lives, but they have had the courage to stand up and say no. They have made significant changes to law and culture and it’s a great example of refusing to be passive to what society wants.
Q8. Is being courageous a habit we can develop or a skill we can learn? Does it become easier over time and with practice to be more courageous?
A habit is an action you take on a regular basis, whereas skill is the capacity to do action well. They go hand in hand because creating the habit of courage will make you skillful in doing it. That’s why it is important to do those little actions on a daily basis. Small actions like;
- Apologizing
- keeping promises
- saying no
- holding your boundaries
- forgiving
- listening and learning
- having an open mind
- trying new experiences
- and, standing up for others.
Q9. What do you think is the best way to balance courage against uncertainty?
Sometimes you don’t know what is the best course of action to take. It can be difficult to make a decision. Before you make that decision, go back and examine your core values and use those to guide you in making a choice. As an example, the importance of friendship might be a strong core value for someone in the instance of making a decision where friendship might be impacted, you might need to make some sacrifices for this. If you’ve made your choices with your values front of mind you will have a guiding light to where your action should be and how you should make your decisions.
Want to know more about how to discover your true self, beyond the layers of what others expect you to be at home, at work, and socially? Join my Big 5 challenge to get out of your comfort zone and explore courage, vulnerability, and authenticity in 5 simple but effective tasks.
Learn more about Caroline Jones, Life-Coach and founder of Ninth Koi Coaching
