The ability to say no is one of the most important tools in self-development. Saying no to someone can be difficult for a variety of reasons; you may have been brought up to be an agreeable person, you might genuinely want to help but you don’t have time, or maybe you don’t have the skills to do what they are asking of you. Most of us can think of a situation where we said yes to something out of obligation, but because we lacked a real sense of commitment, the whole situation became a giant drag on our time, energy, and emotions. It might even have turned into a mess, which then required cleaning up — taking up even more of our time and energy. Sometimes, saying no can feel like a lot more work than saying yes due to the emotional turmoil it can cause you, but read on and you’ll learn that saying no is a skill and like anything you practice it gets easier the more often you do it.
Here’s a secret; saying “no” to one thing is saying “yes” to something else. If I say no to an invite to a party, I might be saying yes to a relaxing evening at home with my favourite people spending quality time with them. It’s not selfish, it’s self-care because when you say yes and really mean it you have the energy to give. By saying no, we honor the authenticity of the relationship. No one trusts a “yes man”: someone who says yes to everything just to appease, please, or get promoted and doesn’t mean any of it. Our true friends are people we trust to tell us the truth, even if sometimes that is uncomfortable. Then we know the relationship is based on a real and respectful connection.
Saying “no” (and giving others permission to do so as well) can allow each person to simply “be”, rather than having to perform and do what we feel the other demands. Then each person can be themselves. By saying no from the heart, you deepen the authenticity in all your relationships. Being able to examine the situation you are in when someone has asked you for something leads to self-awareness. Slow down the process — we are often very quick to say yes to something so our transaction with that person is a pleasant one. A tip for saying no when you feel put on the spot is to say “Can I think about that and get back to you?” This allows you some time to formulate your thoughts.
It’s important to decline a request while still being kind, appreciative, and respectful. It’s important to have a kind tone of voice. We also need to say the word NO — it has to be crystal clear. Here are some examples you can use to say no:
- “Unfortunately no, I’ll need to pass on this.”
- “I’m sorry, my friend, no, I’m not able to.”
- “Sadly no, I can’t.”
- “Thanks, but no, that’s not going to work for me.”
- “No, I’m not able to do that.”
Saying “no” gets easier with practice, so start small — even practice or role play with a trusted friend or family member. And remember, when you say ‘no”, what are you able to say “yes” to?
Want to know more about how to discover your true self, beyond the layers of what others expect you to be at home, at work, and socially? Join my Authentic Self — The personal revolution Facebook group here — share with a positive and supportive community how you went with asking for help.
Learn more about Caroline Jones, Life-Coach and founder of Ninth Koi Coaching
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