Picture It, Christmas 2023: The Golden Girls Teach the Wheel of Consent.
As I settled into the comforting embrace of my couch, post a delightful Christmas lunch, the gentle buzz from a glass of white wine accompanied me. The ‘Golden Girls’ chattered in the background, a nostalgic backdrop to my festive relaxation. It was then that my phone lit up with a message from a friend, her words echoing a sentiment many of us feel but seldom express — the pang of being unappreciated: “Girl…I feel you”. As I drifted into a light nap, her words wove through my thoughts, mingling with the wafting scent of prawns and potato salad.
When I awoke, my gaze landed on a book beside me, “The Wheel of Consent” by Betty Martin (not Betty White!). While it’s usually linked to intimate relationships, in my post-lunch daze, I saw it in a new light — as a potential guide for navigating the intricate dance of holiday relationships.
The Wheel of Consent: Simplified for the Holidays
The Wheel of Consent, developed by Dr. Betty Martin, is a model primarily used to understand and navigate the dynamics of touch and consent in personal relationships. While it’s primarily applied in intimate or therapeutic relationships, its principles can be adapted to family interactions during the Christmas period, especially regarding respecting boundaries, understanding preferences, and enhancing communication.
Understanding Consent: The Wheel of Consent emphasises the importance of clear and enthusiastic consent. During family gatherings, this can translate to respecting each individual’s comfort levels with physical contact, such as hugging or kissing, and activities.
Roles in Interaction: The model identifies four quadrants based on who is doing the action and who it is for (e.g., ‘Serving’ or ‘Accepting’). In a family setting, this can help clarify intentions and expectations. For example, when a family member offers to help with cooking or organizing a game, it’s important to understand whether they’re doing it for their own enjoyment (‘Taking’) or to help others (‘Serving’).
Boundaries and Preferences: The Wheel of Consent encourages clear communication about boundaries and preferences. Family members can use these principles during Christmas to express their comfort levels with different activities, conversations, or traditions.
Gifts and Obligations: The model distinguishes between actions done willingly as a gift and those done out of obligation. In a family context, this can apply to gift-giving, where it’s important to respect each person’s choice to give gifts or opt-out, without pressure or expectation.
Creating a Safe Space: The Wheel of Consent is about creating safe, respectful, and consensual interactions. Families can apply this by ensuring everyone feels heard, respected, and comfortable expressing their needs and boundaries during the festive season.
Adapting to Neurodiversity: Considering your interest in neurodiversity, it’s important to note that neurodiverse individuals may have different sensory sensitivities or social communication preferences. The principles of the Wheel of Consent can help in respecting these differences and ensuring that family gatherings are inclusive and comfortable for all members.
When we apply the Wheel of Consent for our holiday interactions, it might look a little similar to the following examples:
Serve (Giving Joyfully): Think of this as the joy of cooking a special meal for your family or picking out the perfect gifts. It’s all about doing something with a happy heart, not because you feel you must, but because you truly want to.
Accept (Receiving Gracefully): This is about how we receive gifts, help, or even a compliment. It’s learning to say “Thank you” and really mean it, appreciating the thought and effort behind the gesture.
Take (Choosing for Yourself, Respectfully): Here’s where you do something for yourself, but with consideration for others. For instance, you might decide to skip a party to relax at home. The key is to communicate this choice respectfully to those it may affect, like letting your host know in advance.
Allow (Letting Others Be Themselves): This is about stepping back and letting others have their moment, like supporting a family member who wants to start a new holiday tradition. It’s giving them space to express themselves, even if it’s different from your own preferences.
Communication: The Heart of the Matter
The Wheel of Consent isn’t just about actions; it’s about how we communicate and respect each other’s boundaries. For example, if you’re uncomfortable with a big hug, expressing that preference is okay. This is especially important in families where members might have different comfort levels or needs.
Real-Life Application: A Case Study
My friend who sent me the message felt unappreciated and resentful after trying to visit her boyfriend and his family. The dynamics of the Wheel of Consent can offer some insights:
Serve (Doing for the Other): The girlfriend is in the ‘Serve’ quadrant when she drives a couple of hours to spend time with her boyfriend and his family. Her action is primarily for the benefit of her boyfriend and perhaps his family. If she feels that her effort isn’t acknowledged or appreciated, it can lead to feelings of resentment. This indicates a possible imbalance, where her service act isn’t reciprocated with the acknowledgment or appreciation she hoped for.
Accept (Receiving from the Other): If the girlfriend expected to receive a certain level of attention or appreciation in return for her effort and didn’t receive it, she might feel that the ‘Accept’ quadrant is lacking in her experience. This can contribute to feelings of being unappreciated.
Take (Doing for Self with Permission): The girlfriend might have neglected her own needs or desires in this situation. Perhaps she made the trip more for her boyfriend’s sake than her own, neglecting the ‘Take’ quadrant where she would do something for her own benefit (like choosing to spend the day in a way that she finds personally fulfilling, or treating herself to a reward once she had finished with the family interactions).
Allow (Allowing the Other to Do for Themselves): In this quadrant, the boyfriend is likely focusing on his family, which benefits him. The girlfriend, in respecting this, might feel that she’s not getting the attention or recognition she needs. This could be especially pronounced if she feels that her boyfriend isn’t making an effort to include her or balance his attention between her and his family.
To address these feelings, it would be important for my friend, the girlfriend, to:
- Communicate her feelings and needs: She might express how she feels about the effort she made and discuss her need for appreciation and attention.
- Reflect on her expectations: Understanding what she hoped to gain from the visit and whether those expectations were realistic or communicated can be enlightening.
- Consider her boundaries: She needs to recognise her own limits and communicate them. For instance, if making such a trip feels too one-sided, she might decide to set boundaries around how often she makes this effort.
- Discuss balance in the relationship: It’s beneficial to have a conversation about how they can better balance their needs and expectations, including time spent with family.
Why Awareness of the Quadrants Matters
Being aware of which quadrant you are in is crucial for several reasons. It fosters self-awareness, aids in clear communication, helps set and respect boundaries, and ensures that interactions are consensual and comfortable. This awareness is key to maintaining a balance between your own needs and those of others, leading to more harmonious and satisfying relationships.
Conclusion
As for whether this approach truly works, I’m keen to find out by trying it myself. Since my family's Christmases tend to be a mix of joy and tension, introducing the Wheel of Consent seems like a promising strategy to navigate the festive season more smoothly. Though we’re already deep into the holiday period, it’s never too late to start something new. In the wise words of Rose Nylund, ‘The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.’ So, here’s to getting better at our holiday interactions, one step at a time!
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